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Motherhood Mourning

If you’re like me and bask in the joy of motherhood, it’s only natural to dread the closing of each chapter. I cherish my son’s littleness and wish I could bottle it up and keep it forever. As much as I celebrate his growth, I also mourn the passing of each stage.

Join me as I turn on some sad music, sip my Grande Starbucks Americano, while the rain falls outside my window during this SoCal ‘Pineapple Express’ storm, and take a minute to reflect on the precious things I’ll miss:

  • Small treasures found in his pockets on laundry day. (Mom tip from my bestie: save these in a mason jar so you can keep his treasures either for him when he’s grown or for you as a future token of nostalgia. I just started and can’t wait to fill it up.)

  • His vast collection of plush stuffies that line his bed and provide comfort.

  • Letting me know he needs me when he’s emotionally and/or physically drained by declaring “I need some love”.

  • The sweet way he says mama.

  • His total lack of prejudice against any person and his unabashed kindness to all who he encounters.

  • Showing me every unique-looking stick, rock and bug that we pass when out for a walk.

  • The smile that spreads across his face on trash day when we see garbage trucks.

  • Him being completely enamored by new experiences, like Disneyland’s Small World ride. (Love his expression in this photo.)

  • Seeing the world through his rose-colored glasses, making it magical again. A recent example being how I’ve viewed Valentine’s Day as a made-up Hallmark holiday for decades. Well now, I’m planning a Valentine’s party to share in the joy my son associates with this and every other holiday. It’ll be a pink and red heart-filled palooza. (Mom tip: hit up the Dollar Tree or 99 Cent Store for great decorations that won't break the bank. Can you believe I just discovered these stores in my 40s?)

  • His unbridled silliness and how he will continue his silly antics until I laugh out loud.

  • When I make a mistake and say under my breath “that was so stupid of me”, how he defends me wholeheartedly and firmly asserts “mom, you’re not stupid!” He’s my biggest fan and biggest defender.

  • The way he shares in my love of sunsets. When the sky turns to brilliant shades of yellow, orange, pink and purple he yells frantically for me to come see the “beautiful sky”.

  • The epic dance parties we have in the kitchen to Dua Lipa's hit "Dance the Night" and the lesser-known Parry Gripp & BooneBum jam "It's Raining Tacos".

  • Being able to carry him. This one hurts the most. He finds comfort in my arms, and I’m determined to carry him as long as I can, even as my back aches and arms shake. He’s my one and only baby (my stepson was already too big to carry when I met him) and I will fight gravity for as long as I’m able.

I logically know that some of these are just his personality that will stay even as he grows. But I also see my stepson as a teenager now and how his friends are at the center of his world. I dread the day the sun doesn’t rise and set with me. When the adoration for his mama leaves his eyes. Our relationship will evolve and grow and I’m sure I’ll love aspects of every stage – but it’ll sure be hard to top this period. So, I’m going to continue soaking up every snuggle, every cute conversation, every moment with him that makes my heart skip a beat. My love for this kid knows no bounds and I will always remember this stage fondly.


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